


Bury My Heart

by orphan_account



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Dark Knight Quest (Final Fantasy XIV) Spoilers, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-11 23:10:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17456054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The hearts of man is weak and lonely; it seeks companionship and acceptance. If it’s base desire to feel wanted—needed—are neglected one could easily fall into the abyss and never arise from the slick, viscous sea of darkness.“Don’t leave me.”





	Bury My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Not going to lie, I rushed to put this out between school work. Feel free to hit me with a ruler for poor depictions of character.

With every inhale and every slow exhale, searing hellfire seizes Sidurgu’s ribs. The Au Ra is bruised, yet still unbroken, somewhat. He sits in the Forgotten Knight, exhausted from the day’s struggles, from the unceasing strife, from the events of which none can explain. Rielle at his side and a pint of coffin-varnish before him. Silent.

“For all his flaws, all his grand-standing, and hypocrisy, Fray was… a friend. To run off and get himself killed without even a goodbye! It’s… it’s so unfair… I miss him.” Rielle whispers, “A-And I know I shouldn’t, we’ve both come to terms with it and it’s been moons since his death…”

But that shade reminded them of him, of his essence and his memory. Though they’re aware of it’s sinister creation, as he was mere simulacrum created by that baffling hero and the unexplained powers Eorzea’s Champion is beholden to, it felt so real. There stood a man that haunts the two, a man with his head stuck up his arse and a mouth that spews shite nonstop. Fray in all his dark, gloomy, glory. A man far too engrossed with the present to care for his past. Too wound up in the business of others, in babysitting the next poor soul he’s glued with, to so much as look at Sidurgu. Though Fray smiled at him, it was just _too brief_ , insultingly so, for all they’ve been through together. Sidurgu expected more, praise perhaps for all his achievements or even a simple, “Hello.”

It’s shameful to say that he and Rielle absconded after saying their piece, but they fled before anything unnecessary and regrettable spilt from their lips.

“Sid,” she cries for him. “Say something, please! Don’t… leave me to this silence alone.”

The Au Ra grimaces and sharply responds, “What do you want me to say? What is there to say that you don’t already know—that isn’t a mere repetition of our last conversation about Fray? You wish for me to tell you it isn’t your fault again, Rielle? Or did you want me to say he loved us?”

Rielle stands from her seat, her small hands balled into fists and her brows upturned in worry, frustration, and most definitely, loneliness. For her pain, it felt like she must burden it alone.

“… Say that you miss him at least!” demands Rielle.

She’s always been too good for Sidurgu. The girl deserves better. There were a thousand things he wishes to say, but all he can muster is, “Let it go, Rielle. Go buy yourself something to eat.”

The girl’s face scrunches up, but Sidurgu refuses to look at her, casting a forlorn gaze upon the stale drink clasped between his hands.

“Y-You—…” Rielle is at a loss for words. She gives up, leaving, but not before hotly saying, “Fine.”

She grabs their small purse full of gil and storms to the bar where the innkeeper stood with a sympathetic gaze cast Sidurgu’s way.

The Au Ra drinks to his pity, for if the man was truly sorry for him the pint wouldn’t have cost him coin. One sip became two once Sidurgu’s reminded of his weekly earnings. The mere shillings he makes that’s only enough for a few nights rest and feed. Either he’ll have to will his wounds to heal faster or work the next job still bruised. Two sips becomes three as he thinks about Fray, because how could he not? There were just too many unanswered questions swirling about in his mind. Too many turbulent, uncontrollable feelings on the verge of overflowing Sidurgu’s well crafted dam that hid his most vulnerable thoughts. If only Fray were alive to see him now. Sidurgu wishes he could imagine Fray’s responses, but Fray was an enigma in life as he is in death. He could laugh at Sidurgu’s weaknesses, mock him for his pitifulness and scold him as a Dark Knight. Or Fray’s hard edges and cold exterior could melt away into something softer and kinder, a man who cared about life and would attempt to console the only family he had. Thinking on it now, perhaps he would do the former, mock him for his snide, childish remarks to a little girl. It should be funny, a thing to laugh at, but Sidurgu’s heart tightened in pain. Not only was Fray dead but he said some rather rude things to Rielle. She wanted to be comforted and instead he dismissed her pain.

Sidurgu sighs. He’s not cut out for guardianship of a little girl, he asked that warrior’s help for a reason. For all his flaws, Fray would have made a better parent, as he was the more emotionally available one of the two. Easily worked up and vengeful, but that always came from his love for others, even if that love was dangerous to himself.

Love, the flame in the abyss, or at least according to those blithering furballs. It’s so simple a concept, that it should be no issue to achieve, but what is love to a man who can’t afford to open his heart again? Sidurgu loved his parents. He loved his master, the man was like his father. He… cared deeply for Fray, but look where that got them now. They now rest six fulms under in an unmarked grave with their aether scattered in the lifestream.

The Au Ra glances at Rielle who sat eating an apple pie. She’s still capable of love even though her own mother betrayed her, the very fact that she still remains by his side after the threat to her life has been vanquished is proof of that. Perhaps he should find her a proper home…

However, Sidurgu is an ugly, envious, and lonely creature. The thought of being alone after all that’s transpired because of her, he didn’t like where that could take him.

If Fray were here, perhaps he’d have some wisdom to bestow. A long didactic about the abyss and one’s own darkness, but Fray is gone. That _thing_ in Gyr Albania wasn’t Fray. Fray would have gone to them. Fray would have done something other than smile—it’s been over a year! Wouldn’t he like to know how they were doing? No, because the shade is nothing more than the memories of Fray.

… But who’s? Fray was dead when the Warrior of Light came across his corpse, and if he were a friend during Fray’s life, Sidurgu would have known. After all he was all Fray had.

Sidurgu wishes he could ask… he wishes he could hold Fray again. They never did admit that they cared about one another as more than just peers.

“Shite,” mutters Sidurgu as he quickly blinks away a stray tear. He still sports his gauntlets, attempting to wipe his face would spell certain disaster, so instead he downs the rest of his drink to steel his heart. Burying the pain like the good little soldier he is.

For a Dark Knight must remain strong in times of turmoil. For Rielle and for his friend, Sidurgu must remain strong. A snivelling mess is unbecoming and that warrior needs him composed more than ever.

Sure enough, the door to the Forgotten Knight opens and in comes the familiar aura of Eorzea’s Champion. Fresh from Gyr Albania that, when the wind blows through, in wafts the smell of earth and dry grass.

“Fray,” Sidurgu finds himself whispering as his friend approached.

 

  * ••



 

Behind cold steel hid a soft inviting body. Warm hands under gauntlets that concealed the soft touches, the scarred skin and gentleness. In the darkest hours of the night, while the moon hangs high in the sky, a cold exterior is shed and from within emerges a man unknown to the world. He stands in the dim light with a starved body littered in scars and bruises. Cheeks hollow from the years of starvation subjected to him by the conditions of the Brume, and vengeful eyes that spelt disaster when framed by adamantine.

The hearts of man is weak and lonely; it seeks companionship and acceptance. If it’s base desire to feel wanted—needed—are neglected one could easily fall into the abyss and never arise from the slick, viscous sea of darkness.

Fray knew this.

His hands were everywhere. Grasping at the sheets, silencing his own mouth, pulling at hair… digging into Sidurgu’s back, running along Sidurgu’s jaw, cupping Sidurgu’s cheeks… Fray gave himself into vulnerability and allowed himself to become pliable. However, Fray held his heart away at an arm’s length.

At the time they agreed what they had wasn’t love, but co-dependence and a deep affection for one another. They were brothers in arms, it was the best way to shield themselves, because Fray knew that life was a fleeting, fickle thing. This cruel world has taught them not to love, not to give into hope because, ephemeral as their existence is and was, their feelings—their emotions—are all that is real.

“Don’t leave me.”

It’s hard to recall who was the one who pleaded that betwixt the beckoning to continue their base acts. However, it was said only once during that entire exchange, and Sidurgu regrets not burying that plea deep into Fray.

 

He regrets not telling Fray three simple words that could have bound him to this world and to him. However, Fray was a simple man who spoke through actions. If Fray was upset, Fray used violence. If Fray was hungry, Fray stole food. It was so simple, it was stupid.

If Fray loved someone, Fray would die for them.

Sidurgu can’t help but resent him for what he did and why he did it because Rielle had him questioning after their spat. Asking if it was out of love for them or out of love for their mentor and the desire to master the abyss. Wondering if their time together really meant nothing to him. Dreading if Fray died a selfish meaningless death. A dark, insidious part of Sidurgu despises Rielle for making him question such a thing, but it seems to hate himself more for doubting Fray.

‘ _Believe_ ,’ a voice tells him.

‘ _Believe in Fray_ ,’ it seems to plead.

He can’t tell if that’s his own voice or someone else’s.

 

  * ••



 

Sidurgu dreams of Fray that night.

 

After Fray returned from the Ishgardian streets and accompanied the girl while she ate Fray went into stasis. He has sat motionless on the couch for over twenty minutes, upright and clad in armor.

‘ _He’s asleep again_ ,’ thought Sidurgu as he rose from his seat to tend to his peer.

It’s been a few days since they’ve taken the girl under their wing and in their time together Sidurgu found her to be the embodiment of misfortune. Cursing the two Dark Knights with a thousand years of bad luck. Yet she is an innocent chased by temple knights. A thing Fray couldn’t leave alone, not when she reminded the man so much of another innocent child who was slain by those terrible knights. Though he may not show it, Fray’s always had a soft spot for children, as they are born inherently innocent. Victims to an unforgiving world.

A tang of copper clung to the air around Fray. Sidurgu knelt before the sleeping body and gently placed his fingers against that cold, black helm.

Pale eyes snap open, out of focus and still in a daze. Fray didn’t move, though his armor creaked as he’s stirred awake.

“Yes?” asks Fray.

“Take off your armor, you need to deal with your wounds.”

Fray shifted, he fell back against the couch and looked around, still a little bleary. Sidurgu noticed a sharp, pained inhale when Fray’s back hit the plush seat.

Fray blinked and asked, “Where’s, Rielle? Has she retired for the night?”

“Stop putting on this childish front, I can _smell_ your blood. She’s asleep, so worry about the girl later and get out of your armor _now_ , Fray.”

A sigh passed through the holes in his helm, condescending into a thin mist in the cold shabby room.

He lifted a hand in surrender, asking for Sidurgu to pull him upright. The Au Ra grasped his hand, but instead of tugging the heavy body up, he wrapped an arm around Fray’s waist and lifted him from his seat. Fray hummed in Sidurgu’s arm as his coat is loosened, it’s a contemplative sound. It’s anyone’s guess what the Hyur was thinking, but with his helm resting against Sidurgu’s shoulder, his voice so close, the vibrations that resonated within the Au Ra’s horns sent chills rolling down his spine. His tail twitched when Fray placed a tentative hand against the arm wrapped around his waist. Though Sidurgu couldn’t feel his touch under his own armor, there’s pressure. Very light pressure.

“Sid.”

Fray’s voice snapped Sidurgu from his stupor. He met Fray’s gaze then let go of him.

“Your helm, your skirt, Fray.”

The Hyur waved him off, dismissive of Sidurgu’s words as he carefully removed his armor by himself. With his chivalric coat removed and his undershirt pulled over his head, he revealed his scar mapped skin to the cold night air. He had new bruises. Old cuts had reopened and he sported a fresh laceration across his left shoulder blade. With Fray’s every movement blood pearled to it’s surface and rolled down his battered back in long, red rivets. There’s only so much Fray could do to heal himself, closing wounds is easy with elemental magic but the body must rest for it to fully heal. Even Sidurgu knew this.

“This can’t continue,” Sidurgu found himself saying.

Fray didn’t look at him. He asked as he retrieved his Conjurer’s cane, “What can’t continue, Sid?”

The question caught him off guard. Sidurgu watched the man weave together his dwindling aether to mend the wound on his back and found himself mad at Fray for his callousness.

“… This—you!” hisses Sidurgu.

The cut on Fray’s back knit close and with it came a relieved sigh from the Dark Knight. He laughed at Sidurgu’s words, removed his helm and said, “Well, if you wanted me dead, all you had to do is ask, if you wish to take my life I’ll gladly give you an opportunity to—”

Sidurgu took a step toward the Hyur. He snapped at Fray, “You know that’s not what I mean.”

Fray glanced at Sidurgu from over a shoulder. Even without his helm, Fray hid his thoughts behind well crafted apathy. The man smiled at Sidurgu after a moment of silent scrutiny.

Fray turned to face him, with arms crossed he said, “No, actually, I don’t know what you mean. You can’t expect me to know what you’re thinking, Sid. Be direct, explain what can’t continue.”

“… Master said that she would strengthen us in his absence. That, in her presence, we will find the ‘ _Flame in the Abyss_ ’ yet it’s been days,” answers Sidurgu. He met Fray’s gaze, brows furrowed and with renewed vigor said, “Days, Fray! Even though we’ve been nothing but accommodating to her, she’s given us nothing but strife. Just look at yourself, Fray, for the sake of this little girl you’ve become like a walking corpse!”

A tense silence settled between them. Sidurgu hated it; he hated when Fray used anticipation to win a debate because under his the cold scrutiny, the Au Ra felt his will dissipating.

Fray approached Sidurgu.

“So, are you suggesting that we should abandon a child to the temple knights simply because she’s of no use to us?” Fray asked. His eyes bore into Sidurgu’s skull. “Are you so craven to fault a little girl for our own weakness?”

“That’s—”

Sidurgu was at a loss. He broke eye contact and shook his head in dismay. Of course he doesn’t believe that, Fray knows it too, but to use such an extreme point of view as an argument… it’s a straw-man, it’s unfair. However, when has Fray ever been fair?

“No, that’s not what I mean,” answered Sidurgu. “But just take a minute to think about what’s happening to you and perhaps consider the worth of… keeping her around. You know we could just as easily find her asylum in the Twelveswood where she would not be a target of such men.”

“And how do you suggest we smuggle her to the Twelveswood when the road there from Ishgard is littered with knights?”

“… With sheer force! We’ll condemn every single one of those cold-hearted bastards to the depths of the abyss. Drown them in their own blood—for their due justice is _death_!”

Fray’s body shook, an unmistakable shiver ran down his body. His pale yellow eyes lit up in glee and his rose-colored lips quirked into a wicked smile. Sidurgu knew what twisted fantasies swam behind that heated, violent gaze, he _knew_ Fray loved the idea of slaughtering temple knights by the dozens at his side. Their fight would be like a choreographed dance, each swing a compliment to another’s, and every cleave in tandem with the drum of their shared heartbeat.

Even so, Fray reasoned, “As much as I admire your vigor, Sid, you and I know that’s foolish. Especially while I am in this state and you’re still injured from our last encounter with those bastards.”

There’s a breath of a moment where Fray considered taking it back and agreeing with Sidurgu, but it disappeared just as fast as it arose.

“Sid,” began Fray. “Have you thought that, perhaps Master wished us to become him?”

Sidurgu had an inkling of an idea, but he wasn’t about to make a fool of himself and guess Fray’s meaning. So, he asked, “What do you mean?”

“That we are to become the guardians of an innocent child who has lost everything, a child of misfortune like we were, eh?

Now, I did think that sacrificing _us_ for a single girl was foolish, but I thought on it for a while. Perhaps this flame in the abyss is not something so tangible as a blade or an armor set. I still know not of his riddle’s meaning, but we were charged with her life for a reason. We must stay with her. We should raise her as he did for us.”

“… Considering what happened to us under Master’s wing, are you suggesting that we make Rielle walk the path?”

“What?” Fray looked taken a back, he frowned at Sidurgu’s words, yet he contemplated them. “No, _no_ , she’s just a girl. Too smart to be like us—and you wouldn’t want to create another version of ourselves would you?”

“Another you?” Sidurgu scoffed. “I can barely handle one.”

Fray laughed, his joy could become addictive, if only this weren’t such a rare sight.

Perhaps, Rielle would be good for them and yes, she did prove to be a good thing for Sidurgu. The only thing he had left.

“You say that as though you’re any better. Were you not the one who _just_ suggested a headlong charge through Corethas to the Twelveswood?” Fray peeled himself from Sidurgu’s side to fetch a clean undershirt for himself. “I bet you, if I left you…  you’d actually do something that foolish.”

It hurt, Sidurgu’s chest hurt, in this memory he is fine but his heart grimaced at his next words, “… I won’t because you won’t ever leave me—” How wrong that was, however, at the time, Sidurgu couldn’t have known what would happen in the near future. “—Dalamud could fall again and we’ll still be together,” said the Au Ra.

“Of course, ‘cause where would you be without me?”

 

  * ••



 

Sidurgu wakes from slumber cold from sweat and face wet with tears. He weeps, uncaring when Rielle wakes from her cot and rushes to his side for he’s too engrossed with his own misery. Even though he should care, even though he should prevent Rielle from having to grow up before him like Fray had to.

Rielle joins Sidurgu in his pain when her soothing gestures failed to work because…

Even though Fray abandoned him to this world with Rielle, he misses him and…

Yeah…

He loved him.


End file.
